In the Trenches

It had been a long day. If I’m being honest, I don’t even remember what subject we were studying.

He sat across from me at our table, absolutely defeated.

He was overwhelmed. I was exhausted.

And suddenly he broke down, crying, hitting himself in the head.

I rushed to him and held his arms down as I hugged him tightly. Fighting tears of my own.

And there we stayed until he was calm.

Flash forward to another school day.

We sat at our table, deep in our bible study.

The subject of study was who we are in Christ, and the specific topic of that day focused on this particular scripture :

“For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I will praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Psalm 139:13-14

I looked up into his face and could see the tears beginning to form. His eyes met mine as he said, “I hate how I was made. Everything is too hard for me! I hate how my brain works!”

Again I held him.

This time speaking the truths that God does NOT make mistakes. That this precious son of mine is a son of God, created by God Himself! And the he is, in FACT, fearfully and WONDERFULLY made!

I assured him that God had big plans for him; that God was going to use him in big ways. All he needed to do was keep his eyes on Him and rest in His promises.

My sweet boy brightened. We prayed together. I hugged him. And tried to hide my own heartache.

Many days were like those described above.

Many days were filled with frustration and tears. Many days I held down the arms that tried to self-harm. Many days we prayed. Many days I reminded him of God’s promises.

And, many days I silently drowned in my own feelings of defeat.

As much as I tried, I couldn’t fix these particular challenges. I wanted so badly to made life easier for my kid. And I couldn’t.

The weight of it all was overwhelming.

And each time I felt that I was nearing the brink, God was, (and still is), so faithful to remind me that it wasn’t my burden to carry alone.

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.

For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

God had called us to homeschool our kids. And He would equip us to teach each of them in ways that best suited them.

Our son needed homeschooling. It was through homeschooling that he thrived.

Long before we ever considered a home education, God knew.

He knew the challenges our sweet kiddo would face. And He was slowly building us up to teach him and to give him the tools he needed to succeed.

Those tears I cried in the middle of so many nights, praying that God would make life easier for our son, were heard.

And homeschooling did just that.

Was it hard? Yes. Did I want to give up? Often.

Would I do it all over again? In a heartbeat.

Those agonizing days helped to shape us into who we all are today.

Our sweet boy is now a thriving young adult with the kindest heart, gentle spirit, and a deep love for Jesus.

I am forever grateful for our homeschooling years.

Even those days deep in the trenches.